• Juice

WTF am I doing?

Does anyone else find themselves asking this question all the damn time? I do. Not just when I'm making bad decisions, but when I'm making good ones, too. Hear me out...

I don't want to sound like a SNOB, but, I've been good at everything I've touched when I apply myself. GOOD. Not GREAT. College, cosmetology school, baking, I can even sing a tune sometimes. Baking has become something I genuinely love to do, however, I find myself lacking inspiration and passion all the time. If I don't get a recipe right or a design perfect the first time, I'm ready to throw all my pans away and call it quits. I do not understand how people find their passions so early in life and run with them. How do you know what you're GREAT at? Is it natural? Do you work for what you want and then become great, or do you discover you're great at something and then work to perfect your craft? I'm not sure if this is normal for everyone but quitting sometimes sounds like the right move.

These 20 somethings have confused the shit out of me. I ask myself WTF am I doing regularly. I regularly feel like a failure, with nothing to show for any of the work I've done thus far. I've gone through so many career changes not having a clue of what I wanted to do. I look back on some jobs I had when I was a teenager and I want to kick myself because I quit or got fired for some dumb shit. Now, here I am, 29 and I still don't have a got damn clue of what I actually want to do and it's not because I'm not good at anything, it's because I'm good at everything...but...not...GREAT.

Taking a risk is also an issue for me. I've failed at so much. Taking a big move to Charlotte, getting laid off and having to come back really took a toll on how I view myself. Although that was beyond my control, I still feel like a failure. I have bills, so I can't just up and quit my job to go brush up on my cosmetology, and/or try out a potential career and watch it fail. That burden would fall on other people and that's not fair. With that said, at what point do I sacrifice? How do I KNOW when something is worth the sacrifice?

Truth is, I don't. Neither do you. Passion is something that hits you like a ton of bricks and you feel it in your bones when it happens. It all sounds lame, I know, but it's the truth. I have so many friends that have found their passion and I am so grateful to have them around to see that it can actually be done. Seeing people eat my cupcakes and watching their reactions brings me so much joy. THAT is where the passion lies for me. The outcome. But how do I get to doing it full time so that I can feel rewarded like that regularly? I don't have a damn clue. But I am determined to figure it out. I'm determined to create a plan to follow through on. I once read somewhere "It is never too late to be what you might have been." I agree... so let's get it.

I want to make the people around me proud. Having to come back to Buffalo from Charlotte and hear people talk shit broke my heart. I had a friend say "I knew you'd be back anyways," not that he meant it viciously, but still. For MONTHS I had to pretend to be okay and I wasn't okay. There's never room for me to have a breakdown. I have to stand up and put on a brave face for everyone else. I'd made plans there, I was in a routine and I felt so much better. It all went to shit after I was laid off because my boss "didn't have the time to train me."

So, now I'm back and planning my move right back down to Charlotte. I may have been down but nothing is going to stop me. I felt so much better. I could feel the experiences coming and smell the success. Once I tasted what life could be in another city, I dream about it. I crave it. I literally SEE it. Hell, even the dam psychic told me I wasn't meant to be in Buffalo! Lol. I don't know what I'll do when I get there, but I will for damn sure figure it out.

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I don’t even want to look at the date of the last time I blogged because I’m so ashamed that I let this piece of me fall to the wayside. However, I’m baaaaccckkk (for now) and committing to bi-weekly