I decided to post blogs whenever I feel like it's time. But I've missed this! I didn't want to commit to posting to the blog once a week or anything, because it would feel forced. I want it to be authentic. When the spirit moves me, I write. I have been incredibly focused on clearing out negativity from my mind and life and now that I'm thinking straight, I'm good to go. So, here goes!
One hundred forty two days away from me turning 30. Bitch. HOW?! Where did the time go? Life comes at you fast, okay?! I'm getting really excited about my birthday party and festivities. Majority of my friends know I celebrate the entire month, so this will be no different! I have lots of friends coming in to town that I'm excited to see, as well as just having all my family and friends in one place vibing, and having a good time celebrating my favorite holiday (yes, I said what I said). With all the excitement that I've been feeling, I've also had some epiphanies more recently, and I'd love to share those.
A few days ago I noticed I'd been seemingly happy. Like, a genuine happiness exuding from the inside. I couldn't figure out why though. I'm not dating, I've been celibate for 5 months now, and I haven't had any recent changes in my job or anyting, so what's up? Then, shit clicked.
It's me. I'm the reason why I'm happy. I feel whole. I really dedicated time, hours upon hours to working on myself. Being nicer to myself, and more understanding. If I didn't get a task done, it's okay, it'll be there and I can finish it tomorrow or even the next day. Not beating myself up because I'm not where I want to be exactly has been a huge help. Knowing that I am in the exact spot where God wants me right now has been critical to my healing. There were so many times I asked "why me?" Why don't I have the job I want so bad, why am I not married yet, etc. Because it's not my time. I've fully accepted that, and know that something - whatever my destiny may be - is coming and it is MINE and not for anyone else. My momma forever tells me "go to your destiny & be" and I'm so ready for that.
Being in a constant state of mizzy (short for misery in my Tiffany voice) is so draining. You wake up tired, are ready to leave work before you even get there (don't get me wrong, this part is still a work in progress) and don't want to be bothered with any and everything that you have to do. I couldn't do it anymore and I had to dig deep and face a bunch of realities and mistakes that I've made and know that shit will be okay. 'Okay' may not be the way you think it should be. 'Okay' means that situation no longer effects you, and you are ready to move forward.
How did I get to this point? I really can't pinpoint it. A lot of tears. A lot of writing. A lot of venting. A lot of being quiet. And a ton of practice. Commitment. A lot of taking charge. I don't care who I was before, some shit I'm not willing to deal with now. I'm unapologetic about that. Argue with ya momma about it. I don't care. This ain't that no more.
People will try you during this transition. Don't let them. It is OKAY to distance yourself. One thing I'm still working on is taking my time for myself when I absolutely need it. Other peoples issues, especially those you care about, will take a toll on you. I struggle with trying to balance being there for people I care for and being there for myself. I never want to disappoint or not be there for someone when they need me. But, I come first. PeriodT.
I know this is short and sweet but I just felt compelled to highlight this point. I feel really good. Ready for whatever. I low key feel like something big/major is about to happen in my life. I don't know. It's weird. But I'm glad whoever is reading this is along for the ride. We're almost 30 in this bittcccchhhhhh.
" Everybody look at you strange, say you changed. Like you work that hard to stay the same." - Jay-Z