• Juice

This ain't it...

January 5th, 2019. Five days into the New Year and it's already trash (for the most part). I was one of those "New year, new attitude, positive vibes only" people, until this fool fucked up and I got in my feelings. I'll get back to the positive soon - but for now, let me tell ya'll this shit and ya'll can tell me if I'm trippin...

I met Nathaniel December of 2017. We chopped it up a while via social media, and finally started connecting regularly through text around April/May 2018. Our first actual link up to spend time together was June 6th, 2018. I hoped this would be a special day, since it was my late great-grandmothers birthday. It was. I instantly felt a connection with him, the way he held me and played in my hair, forehead kissed me and talked to me. It was lit and I was around to see where it went. But since he lived in Texas and I'm from New York, we decided to baby step it and see where shit ended up. Cool.

By August, we'd gotten to know each other pretty well, talking everyday, all day (no exaggeration). I'm not talking about just texting ... I'm talking 2-3 hour "Kiss Me Through The Phone" Soulja Boy vibes. But one day, shit just switched. He gradually became distant and it all went to shit. I'm talking going from telling me he saw a future with me, to not even knowing when we were going to link up next. Yeah, okay bro. I knew he had some childhood trauma and I was sensitive and understanding to all that. I was a listening ear, shoulder to cry on ... whatever he needed that he would allow me to be. But I can't help you if you don't let me, or even tell me what's going on or that there IS actually something going on. We had discussions about his inconsistency with communication and he promised to do better. I didn't need details of what was happening in his world if he wasn't willing to give them, but if he wanted to build a future with me like he said, I needed to know he was alive, breathing and still into me. Distance isn't synonymous with none of that shit.

We finally set a date for our next link up and it was October. He came out to see me. All went well, and we set another date and decided to see each other for the holidays, and exchange gifts around mid December and we made it happen. Again, everything was cool (or so I thought). I had come to grips with him being a distant person when he was under pressure. It was unusual for me, but I swallowed my pride and usual tactics (which was just simple communication) to make him comfortable, all while being uncomfortable myself. All while KNOWING, that ain't it...

New Year's Eve, I'm in Vegas partying ( I use this word very loosely, because we slept majority of the time) with my Ace Boon aka my momma. Nathaniel & I were texting as usual. We text each other 'Happy New Year' before midnight because I was going into an area to see Bruno Mars perform and he was in church with his mom. The next day, I was traveling home super early, so I figured I'd hear from him while I was in flight. I did not. It was odd, but I didn't press it, I just called him when I got back to New York late that afternoon. To my surprise, no answer. *insert Tiffany New York Pollard stressed gif here* I am extremely observant and I pay attention to patterns. This was not in his pattern. However, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that we speak everyday and all of a sudden you're MIA. My first thought was "damn, maybe he's leaving me in 2018." But nope...the bullshit gets better.

After my call went unanswered I hit him with a text asking if everything was okay. He answered me THREE HOURS LATER saying "Nah...but it will be though. You aight?" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I was so frustrated that I didn't respond until the morning, and that text went unanswered. Calls and text went unanswered for two whole got damn days. That may not seem like a lot, but when you speak every day, and you actually care about a person and know that they could be in trouble, it seems like forever. On Thursday I decided to not call - anymore. I was worried, stressed and annoyed. I knew he wasn't dead or kidnapped because all of his iMessages were being delivered (yes, I paid attention to that) so unless someone stole his phone, or he was somewhere hog tied and his phone was left on the charger... there was no reason for him to be blatantly ignoring me.

That evening I went to go meet up with a couple of my girls at the nail shop to talk my shit. They convinced me to call him from another number. It honestly didn't take much convincing and I'm fully aware that I was more scared of the outcome than placing the actual phone call. Do ya'll know THE MAN ANSWERED ON THE SECOND RING?! Whew, chilay!! My blood was boiling, my heart stopped, and I was truly in shock. My thought process: If you distance yourself when things get tough the last thing you're gonna do is answer a number that you don't know! Niggas don't even answer numbers they don't know in general! Are you kidding me?! Ain't this about a bitch.

I wanted to cry. But, I didn't say anything at all, I just hung up and made the decision not to call or text anymore. But that little devil on my left shoulder said "Nah, Tay." I called him again - from my phone. The man did not answer. WHEW. I was crushed. I was also done. I had all I needed right there. I got my answer. He was alive and well and simply ignoring me. The nerve. I was a wreck. My home girl crafted up this awesome text, and I had no choice but to send it. This. Nigga. RESPONDED. I couldn't believe it. He gave me a sob story about having a lot going on. He apologized and said he was wrong. It wasn't enough for me to forgive and want to proceed with him. A simple "I have a lot going on right now, I'll talk to you when things die down" would have been sufficed. Instead, he reverted to his toxic trait of being distant which we spoke continuously trying to do better about. He wasn't willing to take 2 seconds out of his day to send a text to me, but he took those same two seconds to answer a call for a number he didn't know; and for that I washed my hands with it. I know my worth - and I'm adding tax to that shit.

"How someone treats you is a reflection of how they feel about you." I forever live by this. I don't have a clue who said it originally, but they're a genius. I usually am a lot quicker to cut people off but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm almost 30, ya know? Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Settle down? Nah...You live and learn. Lesson: This ain't it.

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I don’t even want to look at the date of the last time I blogged because I’m so ashamed that I let this piece of me fall to the wayside. However, I’m baaaaccckkk (for now) and committing to bi-weekly