Hol' Up, Hol' Up!
The word of the day...month...year...BOUNDARIES.
Everyone needs them. But a lot of people don't. I found out a while back I was one of those people. So, how do you create healthy boundaries? How do you say "no" without the fear of disappointing someone eating away at you even though you really want to say it. I can't speak for everyone, but for me, it hasn't been easy.
I'm always there for so many people, and the energy isn't reciprocated majority of the time. That used to really get to me. How am I bending over backwards and breaking my neck for people that won't even lift a finger for me in times I really need them? More importantly WHY am I doing it? I had no clue. My therapist said it comes from a fear of losing those people - if I don't do whatever they ask of me they'll find no use for me. I could see how that could be a thing. But, that decreases my value. So, I had to say to myself, learn how to say no. Learn how to accept people for who they are, and know they may not always give the same energy back.
"Keeping that same energy" is such a thing now and I hate it. One thing I've learned is to never dim your light to allow others to shine. In this case, never dim your light because other bitches bulbs are blown. Keep YOUR same energy, just learn who to project it unto! Protect it at all costs! BOUNDARIES.
Something I struggled with a while ago was being too available. Whenever someone needed me, I was there - wanting to come over, wanting to hang out, me cooking for people, etc. Reverse the roles and it was radio silence from the same people I'd been there for. Don't get me wrong, I don't do what I do for people in hopes of reciprocation, I do it because I want to (especially now, more than ever) but, as an adult, a friend...shouldn't I be able to count on those I've been there for? I know setting expectations is the first way to be disappointed. But at what point can you count on those around you? If you can't, it's time to get a new circle.
One thing that really pushed me to be more diligent with creating boundaries is a having surgery on my wrist, unable to do anything (put on a bra, cook, drive, etc.) and having majority of my friends forget, not come visit, bring food or even check in on me. It was truly hurtful. Finally a light bulb came on and it showed me more than ever to not dwell on the negative and those who aren't around, but to appreciate and pour love into those that are.
I say no now. A lot. Wayyyy more than I used to. Not because I want to be mean, but because I'm protecting my energy and peace. If I'm tired, or have another engagement, I say no. I don't try to squeeze things in, or rearrange my schedule anymore. I say no and I don't say sorry. Don't ever be sorry for living a life that you've created to better yourself moving forward. But, I also say yes - yes to hanging out more with the people who show genuine love, yes to self-love, yes to telling myself its okay to say no! And I wouldn't trade it for the world!