• Juice

Fifty Shades of Grey

"You're cute. Come here, let me be great to you." Those were his first words to me. I should've known then it was too good to be true. And it was. Ian... he Everything about him was perfect. From my favorite freckle on the tip of his nose to the tiny little lisp that you barely notice yet couldn't avoid. He has a way with words, especially when he sang them. I never knew someone so far away could mean so much in such a short period of time. But it happened, and blew my mind, just a few months shy of me turning 30. However, I am forever grateful for this lesson.

After we met, we began to text very inconsistently. It wasn't anything to be upset about because I didn't really know him and, to be honest, I wasn't really looking for anything. But somehow, one day, it became consistent then frequent then...all the time. I found myself knowing it was him. 6am "Good morning beautiful" texts, mid-day face time calls, falling asleep on face time even. One thing that man didn't have was a communication issue - until it came down to talking about his actual feelings when he was supposed to come visit.

A few weeks ago, after weeks of all day, every day texting and face time calls, he wanted to come visit. Since I'm off of work due to recovering from surgery, I have nothing but time. I asked when, and he said next week. My initial reaction was OH SHIT. But, I was here for it. I was nervous. I wanted our first time actually hanging out to be amazing, and I wanted the vibe I felt on the phone to be even stronger in person. I wanted him to like me. We planned for that next week and continued to talk as normal. The day came and he had to postpone due to "some work shit." It wasn't an issue at the time, normally my intuition can sense when some bullshit is happening, and at that moment I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I talked to my bestie James about it, and he reassured me. It's early in the game, he gets one pass. Cool. I even told Ian this, he apologized and agreed. This wasn't just a "my bad" type of apology, either. This was a full acceptance of responsibility, sincerity and promising to be better, all while being sweet, charming and so got damn cute.

We rescheduled his visit.

Mind you, I could have gone to visit him - but for whatever reason *red flag* he never brought that up and when I mentioned it, he had his reasons.

I'd began to notice little vibe changes in our conversation when I'd talk about him coming to visit. He'd be really excited or very standoffish. It was hard to determine whether it was nerves or him being too cool. Our conversation otherwise was so open, talking about work, religion, our deep dark secrets, our parents, future children (yes, we talked about names), goals, etc. I didn't think he'd hold back anything important about how he felt. I was dead ass wrong though.

The day came when he was supposed to come and he set a time to leave and everything. That time came and went. I finally heard from him and I was pissed. I decided to ask what was up. Clearly, something more was going on and he wasn't telling me. He assured me he was sorry, and he was leaving first thing in the morning. "Time got away from him," blah blah... he could feel my rage through the phone and you could tell he didn't want smoke. I asked him was he coming for sure, because I've already been disappointed enough." He said yes, he was sure. I took his word. I booked the rental for him, since it was Father's Day and I knew he was busy. He even texted me back and said "Thanks babe, finna be lit."

5:23am the morning he is supposed to leave. I get a text - NOT A CALL, NOT A FACE TIME CALL - BUT A FUCKIN TEXT - saying that he was not ready to come visit, telling me how amazing I am and how we have the perfect chemistry. He apologized for any inconvenience or "hurt," but he wasn't sure how he was "going to maintain a committed relationship with me living so far."

I can't even say I was shocked. The night before I barely slept, because I kinda knew something was up. The part that bothered me the most is that he couldn't even call. He will call me to sing a new song he's thinking of writing in his head and hang up two seconds later before he forgets, but didn't have the common decency to call me to talk about this? NAH.

My first response was wow. Just wow. I'm not even gonna hold ya'll, the more he didn't respond to my texts and calls, the more I wanted to drive to him and punch him in the throat. He added on some shit about not being disciplined enough to be in a committed relationship (we never even discussed if that was where this was going) and not wanting to mishandle or be a good man to me. While, I do appreciate some form of honesty, I guess, he could've just left me alone. He knew where I lived from day one. The issue was, he didn't know he was going to fall for me this hard. But, who doesn't ? *flips hair*

Another one of the big issues I had with this whole exchange is that he said he realized more and more that this would be hard & he wasn't ready. So, I'm sure he had that on his mind far before the time he texted me that it was gonna be lit to 5am when he sent that text. He had ample opportunity to talk to me about this. Intention, a plan, what I thought, felt, etc. He made decisions based on ideas in his head that he never even discussed with me. Ian never even gave me a chance to say how I felt, what I thought - nothing. Mostly, he didn't find me valuable enough to even try for. I wasn't worth enough to him to even ATTEMPT a relationship. Which made me sad...for a moment. Its always difficult for me to deal with situations with guys where I'm a choice. Maybe it stems from my daddy issues, or maybe it's because of everything that I've been through. I'm still not sure.

We went back and forth for a few days and I got real nasty at a certain point. I told him to fuck off, and he said "love you too." I told him he'd never get the chance and he said he loved me, and thats why he was doing this. It didn't make sense, still doesn't. I don't know if he was using that to keep me in his back pocket, because he's one of those "lets still be friends" types and I'm not. Clearly, because now he's pissed off at me (rightfully so) and now we're not speaking.

I miss him -which is probably the dumbest thing I've said in a while. And, I know I shouldn't. I said I wasn't gonna let anyone's ashy son stress me out this summer but players fuck up too! Lesson learned, dawg. Lesson learned.

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I don’t even want to look at the date of the last time I blogged because I’m so ashamed that I let this piece of me fall to the wayside. However, I’m baaaaccckkk (for now) and committing to bi-weekly