Driving to work the other day I saw a familiar face on the opposite side of the street... it was my "father." And I use that word loosely. It's been triggering me ever since, so I decided to vent.
It's almost embarrassing. I'm 29 and I still wonder why. Why he wasn't around, why he chose to be around his other kids and not me. I almost feel ungrateful for what I do have. I have a great family, wonderful men/father "figures" who have been there for me for so much and would go to the ends of the earth and back again for me. And, even with all that, I still think about him and why he isn't around. It's annoying, honestly.
I don't even know where to begin or what I'm really wanting/trying to say. This is mostly a feeling. An emptiness almost that I may never fill or understand. The sight of him still makes me sick to my stomach and I don't know what to do to get over that feeling. I don't want to crave for someone to love me. I don't want to feel like I wasn't worthy OF his love. I know it wasn't anything I did, of course, but that just makes it even worst. You made a conscious decision to not be around - and he knew where I was. He lived not even 5 minutes away from me.
Before I moved to Charlotte I actually reached out to him so we could have a conversation. I wanted to clear things up and get an understanding of where his mind was when I was a child and why he chose not to be around. The man had the nerve to tell me he wasn't ready to talk. Now - as his daughter, I was pissed. But as a human, I had to take a step back and think. No one wants to admit their wrongs and fuck ups. This is a big fuck up, too. I wanted to have empathy and understanding for him, but I didn't. I didn't then and I still don't today.
After that conversation I vowed to let it go. Read some self-help books, go to therapy, and try my hardest to fill that void with other things that make me happy, or just learn to live with the void. It's a work in progress, but clearly, I'm not there yet.
I really do think not having a father around has contributed to my relationships. How I love, how I want to BE loved, what I expect, abandonment, etc. I can't say that I intentionally look to men to fill that void, but I also can't 100% say that I subconsciously don't either. That's part of the reason why I've been single so long... I'm trying to figure things out before I hop back into a toxic situation. I want to fix myself as much as I can before dealing with someone else.
That's it. That's all I got today.